peacful. and how.

i don't consider myself the type of person who is quick to anger.
in fact, i try to avoid the emotion altogether.
my father was an angry man.
my brother too, deals with anger management issues.
i just don't like the feeling of being angry.
it's too uncontrolled and dangerous for me.
but i do, in fact, get angry.
and when i do, things seem to go a bit haywire inside of me.

i cannot say i'm prefect...
in fact, i know how far from it i am, and it may shock you.
but in my imperfection, i have tried very hard to become better.
constantly striving for that gold start.
always trying to learn or do something beneficial to me, or society.

lately, i've been trying a lot harder than normal.
for about a month now, i've been undergoing, what my therapist calls a "multifaceted" approach to life.
i've seen a medical doctor, a therapist, and my bishop often for the last month in order to regulate myself in every way.
thus far, it's working incredibly.
i've become more centered, changed a lot of my relationships, and felt closer to my Father in heaven.
i don't think i've ever been more at peace with my life before.

despite these strides forward, today i find myself angry.
today i am back in the mood of hopelessness and distress.
maybe it's the appointment i missed with my therapist.
maybe it's the new menstrual cycle.
maybe it's the lack of activity i've had the last couple days.
in any case, today i am mad.

i'm mad at so many things, i can't even list them all.
my circumstances seem to overwhelm me sometimes.
getting the better of all of me.

once again, nothing i'm proud of.

and so i'm angry.
so i'm jeni, and i'm mad.

can we be ok with that?
is that allowed from time to time?

please say yes.

cause i love the peace.
i love my life for the first time in a long time.
but today...
i just need to be mad.