The cold, hard truth...and that's ok.

For whatever reason, I've been asking Ed about his ex a lot lately. Without going into too much detail, I'll give you some very basic background.

Ed dated a girl named Belle (ok, so I changed her real name) when he was barely in High School and she was still in Middle School. They dated for 4 years and even lived together when Belle's family moved away from the area and she wanted to finish High School here in San Diego. She was his first everything. She was his first love and I'm sure, like all of us, that means that Ed gave a very real part of himself to her...you know, the un-jaded, untouched, perfectly trusting part. I don't know if there is a word for it, other than saying he gave her a perfectly unbroken heart.

Around year four, he came home from work one day and all her stuff was gone. A note, a phone call, fill in the rest, but it was over before he could really understand why. He was hurt in ways that I'm sure we can all relate to. First heartbreak, first betrayal, like I said, she was his first everything.

He was telling me all of this in an intimate moment recently, and I listened carefully to his heart and his hurt. It's still there in his eyes. And as much as that could bother me, it doesn't. I've been there too. I think we all have. For those who haven't: "LUCKYYYY". (Napoleon Dynamite voice...if that wasn't clear.)

I remember giving my heart away the first time. I remember being fearless and open and vulnerable. I remember how desperately I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. There was that "blind" feeling they say that love should have. There was the notion that nothing that could really happen to us and our love. There was surrender.

Then, just like with Ed, there was that moment when it crumbled. Lies were revealed and trust was broken. The person I had given my unbroken heart to had taken my precious offering and crushed it.

Just like Ed, the pain lasted. It seemed as though my life was over. I know, sounds dramatic, right? But that is how love is. It takes you and rearranges your very last ounce of logic.
Unlike Edward, I went back to this person once, twice, three and four times. It wasn't shame on you, then shame on me...it was just shame all around. No one could let go, and no one could hang on. It was a mess. Finally, after four years (weird, right?) of on again, off again, we were done.

Luckily, like Ed, and like many of you, time turned out to be the best doctor for my wounds. The Savior, friends and time healed my heart and I was able to look ahead to loving again.

When love did finally come again...well, it was different.
For Ed and I, this meant working through things that were a lot harder than we ever thought they would be. For me, this meant undoing the commitment issues I had. For him, it meant opening his heart up and expressing feelings he had kept locked away. For me, a huge trial was trusting him. For both of us, it's been so frustrating to deal with wounds that we didn't inflict. I know it's tested our patience and driven us close to giving up sometimes.

I'm grateful, at the end of the day, that we do LOVE each other. That much is true, no matter what pain love has caused in the past. Love is our motivation, and I happen to have a testimony that love is the ONLY eternal motivator.

So I guess this post is about being jaded. How it's ok. It's never fun, and to be honest, it can ruin you if you let it. For me though, I understand now, that without those wounds I wouldn't have learned the lessons that have made me so much stronger. I've been able to ADD to my relationship with Ed, with God, with my Savior, because of my struggles.

My heart isn't unbroken anymore. That isn't Ed's fault, but I'm sure glad he loves me and my broken heart just the way we are.

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A $20 bill can be beat up, crumpled and torn, but it's still worth $20.

Heavenly Father asks for a "broken heart and contrite spirit" as our offering to Him in return for the offering of His son and his atonement.

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