What scares me.

Scrolling through facebook. We all do it. I find myself there at least once every couple hours in a day. Sometimes I just scroll and don't like or post or comment. Sometimes I'm pretty vocal.

Today was just the kind of day that felt like heaviness. Fog filled the sky this morning and for a few hours before the sun came and burned it away. Ed and I got some news in our ongoing fertility journey. The semester is ending and I'm counting my losses and beating myself up for the things I did wrong. And despite my desperate hopes for summer and sunshine, there is still snow on the ground and I've started wearing my winter coat and gloves outside again.

So here I am on a heavy day, scrolling, pinning, listening to some Copeland (the perfect heavy day music) and I come across this post.

(Thanks Brooke!)

This just took my breath right from my lungs like a sucker punch to the gut.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. Especially succeeding at anything.

I'm scared that I'll never be a mother. That I won't graduate college. That we'll be in debt forever (and that it will be my fault). That I'm not GOOD enough. That I will turn into the people I swore I'd never be. That I will feel sad more than happy. That I will get stuck.

Stuck waiting. For what? I don't know. But it's that thing that makes me happy.

For a while now I've blamed it on not being a Mother yet. I just know that would make me happy. It's what I was made to be. It's what I've wanted since I could remember.
It's like my life finally got here to this point and now I'm stopped at a wall I can't climb and so I'm spinning around in circles of fear that without scaling this wall I will never be whole.

But I can be whole. I can be brave. Fearless.

I'm not sure how, but deep inside I know it must be true. Because the opposite of fear is faith.

The opposite of fear is faith.

So I have faith that life can exist right here, without children, and still be amazing and worthwhile.

I just have heavy days like today that stop me in my tracks and dare me to give up. Sometimes I might want to give up. Heck, I want to give up more than I want to push forward, that's for sure.

But a prayer, the love of an incredible husband, faith of friends and smiles from strangers remind me that I can't give up. There is too much to fight for.

And there are those amazing facebook posts that remind you to let fear govern your life, not fear.