We ran into some friends at DI tonight. We were talking about a lot of things, mostly the new semester, money and the things we are all going through.
It was a long talk, more detail than I need to type about, but ultimately it made me feel...awful.
It's no secret (I hope) that I have a real problem with depression. Just a couple of months ago I finished some treatments I was on and I've been feeling so great lately. (YAY!) However, I felt this creep up on me instantly and then I was just quiet. I'm never quiet, people. So of course Ed noticed and we started to talk.
Ed's really good at talking to me and helping me through my depression. I think he's learned over the years that 99% of the time I can work through my own emotions as long as I have a sound board and someone who I trust to talk to.
Anyhow, after the drive home and tears and venting and digging through my thoughts, I realized I feel like a big fat failure. Yea...like legitimately failing at life...no jokes. Now, that might sound extreme, but once I get to feeling something like that I know Satan creeps in and reminds me of ALL of my failures and it just snowballs into one big pity party of self hate.
Wahwah.
Well, Ed gave me a good pep-talk, an amazing hug and then made me laugh (I picked a winner, folks) and now I'm determined to name the things I succeeded in for 2013.
I know everyone is sick of the new year talk, but I figured the last year is a good place to start and a nice unit of time. So here we go:
In 2013 I:
-Ran in my first marathon, relay style, taking two chunks that equaled almost 6 miles.
-Moved 3 times, once to Idaho, once to St Anthony and once to a WILDLY better apartment than our first.
-Started college at a University for the first time ever.
-Completed two semesters with 16 credit hours each.
-Survived a miscarriage, a recurring bout of depression and testing for Systematic Lupus.
-Consolidated all of my debts and have a low monthly payment...that's a win, right?
-Made at least a dozen home cooked meals, most of which Ed liked and all of them edible.
-Reconnected with old friends, forgave myself and others.
-Made a junk load of amazing friends and acquaintances who were always in my life at the right moments.
-Auditioned for and made the original cast of The Humor Code comedy troupe.
-Made my first music video.
-Started "Besties with Breasties"with Courtney in an effort to get healthy and improve my life.
-Went to the gym a lot and even took an aerobics class.
-Went without sugar for the month of June.
-Landed a dream job at an assisted living facility, changing my life forever and teaching me a new layer of love.
-Completed at least a dozen things I had pinned on Pinterest. (That's a big deal, y'all!)
-Swam in a river for the first time.
-Went fishing for the first time.
-Taught an amazing Primary class and grew my testimony.
-Did my visiting teaching at least 7 of the 9 months I was assigned.
-Became an Aunt for the first time. (Can't take any credit for it, just wanted to mention it.)
-Helped to organize/plan several Relief Society meetings (Enrichment? Homemaking?) for my ward.
-Gave my husband at least 100 backrubs ;)
I can't think of anything else right now, but already I can feel the love of God and the happiness of a life well lived. I know I've had my failures. We all do. I just hope that we can all take time to look at our successes and our blessings and realize that we aren't doing half bad.
One thing Ed said to me tonight hit home. He said "You can't change the past, so don't let it wreck the future." It was simple, but just what I needed to hear.
So here's to better days ahead!
Love you!
-Jenny
1.08.2014
11.27.2012
"You're never lost when you can see the temple."
When I was just 5 years old, the San Diego temple was dedicated. It was announced before my birth and built right along with me until that 5th year when I also got a little brother.
We had family living in San Diego, so my Dad would drive us down the 5 freeway and show us the temple on our way to visit. I don't remember exactly how old I was the first time I saw the temple from the I-5, but I will never forget what I felt and thought. "It looks like a giant paper castle!" Another time, once I had learned what origami was, I remember thinking that it must be origami. I never doubted or questioned what it was, though. I knew it was a House of the Lord and I knew, even at 5 years old, that was where I would get married.
Not long after that, my family drove to Mesa Arizona to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple there. I remember the Sunday after our sealing when we were back in church, all the primary kids sang to me "Families Can Be Together Forever" and I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness. It was a feeling I wish I could have captured and kept forever, but something deep inside told me that if I worked hard enough, I could.
Around my 13th year I recall driving the 3 hours it took by bus to San Diego from my hometown, just to go perform baptisms for the dead. Doing that allowed me to see a window to what could be. In the baptistry there was a literal window where you could see people coming in and going upstairs to do other temple work. It made me long for that more than anything else in life, though I didn't entirely understand why.
I held fast to that longing, and as I was making the decision on where I would move after High School, that longing took on more importance than I realized. I had a few options of where to go, but even the ones that led me far away, always ended with me getting married in the San Diego temple. I knew my odds of finding a man who would take me there would increase if I lived in San Diego, and so I decided to move here at 18 and not waste time.
I found myself making blue prints for what my life would be like in San Diego. I'd go to a Single's Ward for a year and then get married at 18 or 19 and start a large family. I knew that if I was faithful, this would surely be my reward. So my eyes were set!
But as the old adage goes "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." My life was tumultuous those first couple of years. Failed relationships and my Father's tragic death left me depressed and tired. I had an incredible group of people around me, however, and slowly but surely, I regained strength, confidence and faith, not only in myself, but in God's plan for me. It was surely different than the one I had for myself.
It was around this time of strengthening that I found an eternal friend in Edward. He came into my life and was someone who I just enjoyed being around. His conversion and my small part in that made me happier than I had felt in months, and his humor and love was infectious. Soon we were inseparable. He was someone I trusted above all others, but I wasn't sure that we would ever move past just being friends. The temple played a role again, when I took him there and bought him his first set of scriptures. He was so overwhelmed at the temple grounds that he asked if we could hold hands...and although he doesn't remember that detail, it's one of my favorite memories.
At about 20 years old, we began dating and soon enough it was love. I knew from the moment he confessed to liking me that it would be all or nothing. I wanted to be in love with my best friend. I wanted to marry a man like Edward. The problem was, I had lost my faith in marriage and the strength of a Temple marriage. My parents had divorced and their sealing was cancelled. The best people I knew had spouses who just changed their minds and walked away. My own home had been torn apart and even when both parents remarried, there was discord with step-parents and siblings. All in all, my fear of commitment had grown stronger than my faith in marriage.
On an entirely different note, a new desire had arisen in me that I had never had before. I wanted to be a missionary. I knew that Ed should go and that he was old enough too, so I encouraged him to go too. I wish I could say this was all perfect and part of the plan too, but in hindsight, I made a lot of mistakes and didn't go about it the right way. In the end, Ed and I did serve missions and they have proven to be a great strength to our relationship.
I learned on my mission to grow my own faith, trust God and His timing, and to believe that with enough work, any relationship can truly stand the test of time.
The temple was a part of this in a big way. I was finally able to go up that staircase before my mission and do those things that taught me more about God and His plans for me. I witnessed the sealing of a dear friend and my heart was softened by the power of that ordinance. As a missionary, I learned more about the temples, why we have them and what they mean to me personally. I feel the closest I ever have to my Father in Heaven when I enter the temple.
Coming home from my mission, my commitment to the temple was stronger than ever and soon I was going every week faithfully. I gained insight and revelation there, as well as peace and assurance that I was on the right path.
When Ed came home from his mission, I have no doubt that the temple was a catalyst to our relationship growing strong. In fact, it was after we had gone together for the first time that he asked me to be his girlfriend again. He told me that seeing me in the temple helped to soften his heart against the hurt of the past.
A couple of Saturdays in the last couple of months, Ed and I have gone to the temple to string lights around the temple grounds for Christmas. Serving together at the house of the Savior unites us and makes me want to be there with Edward more often.
Now I am 24 years old and in just a few weeks I will enter that hallowed place and kneel across a sacred altar to unite myself to Edward eternally. It's taken just about 20 years and whole lot of unexpected turns to get to the temple I saw as a young girl, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know that even now I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and missteps in my travel down life's bumpy roads. I was much more pure and worthy of the temple at 5 years old than I am now, but I know the power of repentance is real and it cleanses me.
I have a burning testimony of the temple, and even though I still struggle with fear, I know that eternal marriages are real and can be the greatest source of joy in this life and the life to come.
I am humbled, grateful and so happy that the day has finally come for me to wear white and "marry in God's temple for eternity."
"Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has shown me how I can.
While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully, so I can marry in God's temple for eternity."
We had family living in San Diego, so my Dad would drive us down the 5 freeway and show us the temple on our way to visit. I don't remember exactly how old I was the first time I saw the temple from the I-5, but I will never forget what I felt and thought. "It looks like a giant paper castle!" Another time, once I had learned what origami was, I remember thinking that it must be origami. I never doubted or questioned what it was, though. I knew it was a House of the Lord and I knew, even at 5 years old, that was where I would get married.
Not long after that, my family drove to Mesa Arizona to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple there. I remember the Sunday after our sealing when we were back in church, all the primary kids sang to me "Families Can Be Together Forever" and I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness. It was a feeling I wish I could have captured and kept forever, but something deep inside told me that if I worked hard enough, I could.
Around my 13th year I recall driving the 3 hours it took by bus to San Diego from my hometown, just to go perform baptisms for the dead. Doing that allowed me to see a window to what could be. In the baptistry there was a literal window where you could see people coming in and going upstairs to do other temple work. It made me long for that more than anything else in life, though I didn't entirely understand why.
I held fast to that longing, and as I was making the decision on where I would move after High School, that longing took on more importance than I realized. I had a few options of where to go, but even the ones that led me far away, always ended with me getting married in the San Diego temple. I knew my odds of finding a man who would take me there would increase if I lived in San Diego, and so I decided to move here at 18 and not waste time.
I found myself making blue prints for what my life would be like in San Diego. I'd go to a Single's Ward for a year and then get married at 18 or 19 and start a large family. I knew that if I was faithful, this would surely be my reward. So my eyes were set!
But as the old adage goes "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." My life was tumultuous those first couple of years. Failed relationships and my Father's tragic death left me depressed and tired. I had an incredible group of people around me, however, and slowly but surely, I regained strength, confidence and faith, not only in myself, but in God's plan for me. It was surely different than the one I had for myself.
It was around this time of strengthening that I found an eternal friend in Edward. He came into my life and was someone who I just enjoyed being around. His conversion and my small part in that made me happier than I had felt in months, and his humor and love was infectious. Soon we were inseparable. He was someone I trusted above all others, but I wasn't sure that we would ever move past just being friends. The temple played a role again, when I took him there and bought him his first set of scriptures. He was so overwhelmed at the temple grounds that he asked if we could hold hands...and although he doesn't remember that detail, it's one of my favorite memories.At about 20 years old, we began dating and soon enough it was love. I knew from the moment he confessed to liking me that it would be all or nothing. I wanted to be in love with my best friend. I wanted to marry a man like Edward. The problem was, I had lost my faith in marriage and the strength of a Temple marriage. My parents had divorced and their sealing was cancelled. The best people I knew had spouses who just changed their minds and walked away. My own home had been torn apart and even when both parents remarried, there was discord with step-parents and siblings. All in all, my fear of commitment had grown stronger than my faith in marriage.
On an entirely different note, a new desire had arisen in me that I had never had before. I wanted to be a missionary. I knew that Ed should go and that he was old enough too, so I encouraged him to go too. I wish I could say this was all perfect and part of the plan too, but in hindsight, I made a lot of mistakes and didn't go about it the right way. In the end, Ed and I did serve missions and they have proven to be a great strength to our relationship.
I learned on my mission to grow my own faith, trust God and His timing, and to believe that with enough work, any relationship can truly stand the test of time.
The temple was a part of this in a big way. I was finally able to go up that staircase before my mission and do those things that taught me more about God and His plans for me. I witnessed the sealing of a dear friend and my heart was softened by the power of that ordinance. As a missionary, I learned more about the temples, why we have them and what they mean to me personally. I feel the closest I ever have to my Father in Heaven when I enter the temple.
Coming home from my mission, my commitment to the temple was stronger than ever and soon I was going every week faithfully. I gained insight and revelation there, as well as peace and assurance that I was on the right path.
When Ed came home from his mission, I have no doubt that the temple was a catalyst to our relationship growing strong. In fact, it was after we had gone together for the first time that he asked me to be his girlfriend again. He told me that seeing me in the temple helped to soften his heart against the hurt of the past.
A couple of Saturdays in the last couple of months, Ed and I have gone to the temple to string lights around the temple grounds for Christmas. Serving together at the house of the Savior unites us and makes me want to be there with Edward more often.
Now I am 24 years old and in just a few weeks I will enter that hallowed place and kneel across a sacred altar to unite myself to Edward eternally. It's taken just about 20 years and whole lot of unexpected turns to get to the temple I saw as a young girl, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know that even now I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and missteps in my travel down life's bumpy roads. I was much more pure and worthy of the temple at 5 years old than I am now, but I know the power of repentance is real and it cleanses me.
I have a burning testimony of the temple, and even though I still struggle with fear, I know that eternal marriages are real and can be the greatest source of joy in this life and the life to come.
I am humbled, grateful and so happy that the day has finally come for me to wear white and "marry in God's temple for eternity.""Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has shown me how I can.
While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully, so I can marry in God's temple for eternity."
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