like sand in the hourglass...

"you can take this however you want
don't be so so sure this is all it adds up to"

i don't think there has been a time where i've felt more at peace with my life.
sure, a job would be nice.
and having a boyfriend, or a decent car would seem to complete the puzzle.
but as it stands, it's pretty darn good.

my father is dead.
i hate to sound dramatic, but it's something i'm still coming to terms with.
you are never ready for a parent to die.
even when they've led a full, long, and good life.
and like Christina yang says on Grey's Anatomy, you can't know until you know.
meaning, no one could possibly know what it's like to loose their father, until it happens.
*knock on wood
regardless of all of that...this i know: my father is dead.
or do i know?
is it odd that i find myself still in the "denial" phase on some days.
i wake up thinking i could call him if i wanted.
or i daydream about how he was in some secret service and will one day show up alive, inveiling some huge government secret.
or he's in the mafia
or i'm on some game show...
that's be awesome.
a TV show that I'm on, like the Jim Carrey movie, where people watch me live my life for entertainment.
sometimes i hope that's what this is.
and sometimes, that sounds so foolish, that i hate myself for thinking it up.

i am at peace.
i am seeing the bishop.
i am seeing a therapist.
i am changing my relationships.
i am seeing a doctor.
i am on birth control.
i am temple worthy again.
i am looking for a job.
i am enjoying the holidays.
i am viewing everything differently.

weston's coming home on thanksgiving, and i'm not sure how i feel anymore.
i think i'm just ok with it.
i'm excited to have another friend.

i'm done for now.
i can't act for you anymore.