What scares me.

Scrolling through facebook. We all do it. I find myself there at least once every couple hours in a day. Sometimes I just scroll and don't like or post or comment. Sometimes I'm pretty vocal.

Today was just the kind of day that felt like heaviness. Fog filled the sky this morning and for a few hours before the sun came and burned it away. Ed and I got some news in our ongoing fertility journey. The semester is ending and I'm counting my losses and beating myself up for the things I did wrong. And despite my desperate hopes for summer and sunshine, there is still snow on the ground and I've started wearing my winter coat and gloves outside again.

So here I am on a heavy day, scrolling, pinning, listening to some Copeland (the perfect heavy day music) and I come across this post.

(Thanks Brooke!)

This just took my breath right from my lungs like a sucker punch to the gut.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. Especially succeeding at anything.

I'm scared that I'll never be a mother. That I won't graduate college. That we'll be in debt forever (and that it will be my fault). That I'm not GOOD enough. That I will turn into the people I swore I'd never be. That I will feel sad more than happy. That I will get stuck.

Stuck waiting. For what? I don't know. But it's that thing that makes me happy.

For a while now I've blamed it on not being a Mother yet. I just know that would make me happy. It's what I was made to be. It's what I've wanted since I could remember.
It's like my life finally got here to this point and now I'm stopped at a wall I can't climb and so I'm spinning around in circles of fear that without scaling this wall I will never be whole.

But I can be whole. I can be brave. Fearless.

I'm not sure how, but deep inside I know it must be true. Because the opposite of fear is faith.

The opposite of fear is faith.

So I have faith that life can exist right here, without children, and still be amazing and worthwhile.

I just have heavy days like today that stop me in my tracks and dare me to give up. Sometimes I might want to give up. Heck, I want to give up more than I want to push forward, that's for sure.

But a prayer, the love of an incredible husband, faith of friends and smiles from strangers remind me that I can't give up. There is too much to fight for.

And there are those amazing facebook posts that remind you to let fear govern your life, not fear.

Dads.

From time to time, I have days where I really miss my dad.
It's understandable, since he's still a huge part of who I am and since I lost him at only 18 years old.

When my Mother remarried Craig, I was anxious to blend our families and make it work. Of course, it didn't go as I had hoped and we struggled in many ways. Years passed with bitter feelings, fights left unresolved and hurtful words lingering in the air.

After I got home from my mission, I wrote him a letter of apology and left it at his door. We had a phone conversation and decided to mutually forgive and move forward.

When I married Edward, Craig's heart softened even further towards me. I know he likes Edward a lot and is happy that I married him. He knows that Ed makes me better.

My father died in 2006. Craig's father passed away 3 days ago. Both had cancer that changed their bodies and took their vibrancy.

Craig is a very different man than my father. He is concerned for my mother in a way that a parent is concerned for their children. He is very scheduled, thought out and purposeful about what he does. He is a do-it-now kind of g
uy and his favorite phrase still lingers in my mind, "better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it." He is a good man.

But Craig never really understood Joe or I. Not why we had such a hard time with our dad's death or why it was a struggle to accept him as our moms new husband. I think we all struggle to understand something we haven't been through.

Craig called me today. (My heart always stops, hoping he doesn't have bad news about my mom.) He started to cry and I cried too. He apologized for never giving his condolences when we lost our father and said he wanted to now. We talked about his dad for a bit, agreed that cancer is dumb, and ended our call.

Short and sweet and a really good piece of closure for my heart.

Craig isn't perfect. Neither am I. But we're getting there. And now we both have angels on the other side to help us.

Triumphs

We ran into some friends at DI tonight. We were talking about a lot of things, mostly the new semester, money and the things we are all going through.

It was a long talk, more detail than I need to type about, but ultimately it made me feel...awful.

It's no secret (I hope) that I have a real problem with depression. Just a couple of months ago I finished some treatments I was on and I've been feeling so great lately. (YAY!) However, I felt this creep up on me instantly and then I was just quiet. I'm never quiet, people. So of course Ed noticed and we started to talk.

Ed's really good at talking to me and helping me through my depression. I think he's learned over the years that 99% of the time I can work through my own emotions as long as I have a sound board and someone who I trust to talk to.

Anyhow, after the drive home and tears and venting and digging through my thoughts, I realized I feel like a big fat failure. Yea...like legitimately failing at life...no jokes. Now, that might sound extreme, but once I get to feeling something like that I know Satan creeps in and reminds me of ALL of my failures and it just snowballs into one big pity party of self hate.

Wahwah.

Well, Ed gave me a good pep-talk, an amazing hug and then made me laugh (I picked a winner, folks) and now I'm determined to name the things I succeeded in for 2013.

I know everyone is sick of the new year talk, but I figured the last year is a good place to start and a nice unit of time. So here we go:

In 2013 I:

-Ran in my first marathon, relay style, taking two chunks that equaled almost 6 miles.
-Moved 3 times, once to Idaho, once to St Anthony and once to a WILDLY better apartment than our first.
-Started college at a University for the first time ever.
-Completed two semesters with 16 credit hours each.
-Survived a miscarriage, a recurring bout of depression and testing for Systematic Lupus.
-Consolidated all of my debts and have a low monthly payment...that's a win, right?
-Made at least a dozen home cooked meals, most of which Ed liked and all of them edible.
-Reconnected with old friends, forgave myself and others.
-Made a junk load of amazing friends and acquaintances who were always in my life at the right moments.
-Auditioned for and made the original cast of The Humor Code comedy troupe.
-Made my first music video.
-Started "Besties with Breasties"with Courtney in an effort to get healthy and improve my life.
-Went to the gym a lot and even took an aerobics class.
-Went without sugar for the month of June.
-Landed a dream job at an assisted living facility, changing my life forever and teaching me a new layer of love.
-Completed at least a dozen things I had pinned on Pinterest. (That's a big deal, y'all!)
-Swam in a river for the first time.
-Went fishing for the first time.
-Taught an amazing Primary class and grew my testimony.
-Did my visiting teaching at least 7 of the 9 months I was assigned.
-Became an Aunt for the first time. (Can't take any credit for it, just wanted to mention it.)
-Helped to organize/plan several Relief Society meetings (Enrichment? Homemaking?) for my ward.
-Gave my husband at least 100 backrubs ;)

I can't think of anything else right now, but already I can feel the love of God and the happiness of a life well lived. I know I've had my failures. We all do. I just hope that we can all take time to look at our successes and our blessings and realize that we aren't doing half bad.

One thing Ed said to me tonight hit home. He said "You can't change the past, so don't let it wreck the future." It was simple, but just what I needed to hear.

So here's to better days ahead!

Love you!

-Jenny

"You're never lost when you can see the temple."

When I was just 5 years old, the San Diego temple was dedicated. It was announced before my birth and built right along with me until that 5th year when I also got a little brother. 

We had family living in San Diego, so my Dad would drive us down the 5 freeway and show us the temple on our way to visit. I don't remember exactly how old I was the first time I saw the temple from the I-5, but I will never forget what I felt and thought. "It looks like a giant paper castle!" Another time, once I had learned what origami was, I remember thinking that it must be origami. I never doubted or questioned what it was, though. I knew it was a House of the Lord and I knew, even at 5 years old, that was where I would get married.

Not long after that, my family drove to Mesa Arizona to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple there. I remember the Sunday after our sealing when we were back in church, all the primary kids sang to me "Families Can Be Together Forever" and I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness. It was a feeling I wish I could have captured and kept forever, but something deep inside told me that if I worked hard enough, I could.

Around my 13th year I recall driving the 3 hours it took by bus to San Diego from my hometown, just to go perform baptisms for the dead. Doing that allowed me to see a window to what could be. In the baptistry there was a literal window where you could see people coming in and going upstairs to do other temple work. It made me long for that more than anything else in life, though I didn't entirely understand why.

I held fast to that longing, and as I was making the decision on where I would move after High School, that longing took on more importance than I realized. I had a few options of where to go, but even the ones that led me far away, always ended with me getting married in the San Diego temple. I knew my odds of finding a man who would take me there would increase if I lived in San Diego, and so I decided to move here at 18 and not waste time.

I found myself making blue prints for what my life would be like in San Diego. I'd go to a Single's Ward for a year and then get married at 18 or 19 and start a large family. I knew that if I was faithful, this would surely be my reward. So my eyes were set! 

But as the old adage goes "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." My life was tumultuous those first couple of years. Failed relationships and my Father's tragic death left me depressed and tired. I had an incredible group of people around me, however, and slowly but surely, I regained strength, confidence and faith, not only in myself, but in God's plan for me. It was surely different than the one I had for myself.

It was around this time of strengthening that I found an eternal friend in Edward. He came into my life and was someone who I just enjoyed being around. His conversion and my small part in that made me happier than I had felt in months, and his humor and love was infectious. Soon we were inseparable. He was someone I trusted above all others, but I wasn't sure that we would ever move past just being friends. The temple played a role again, when I took him there and bought him his first set of scriptures. He was so overwhelmed at the temple grounds that he asked if we could hold hands...and although he doesn't remember that detail, it's one of my favorite memories.

At about 20 years old, we began dating and soon enough it was love. I knew from the moment he confessed to liking me that it would be all or nothing. I wanted to be in love with my best friend. I wanted to marry a man like Edward. The problem was, I had lost my faith in marriage and the strength of a Temple marriage. My parents had divorced and their sealing was cancelled. The best people I knew had spouses who just changed their minds and walked away. My own home had been torn apart and even when both parents remarried, there was discord with step-parents and siblings. All in all, my fear of commitment had grown stronger than my faith in marriage.

On an entirely different note, a new desire had arisen in me that I had never had before. I wanted to be a missionary. I knew that Ed should go and that he was old enough too, so I encouraged him to go too. I wish I could say this was all perfect and part of the plan too, but in hindsight, I made a lot of mistakes and didn't go about it the right way. In the end, Ed and I did serve missions and they have proven to be a great strength to our relationship. 

I learned on my mission to grow my own faith, trust God and His timing, and to believe that with enough work, any relationship can truly stand the test of time.

The temple was a part of this in a big way. I was finally able to go up that staircase before my mission and do those things that taught me more about God and His plans for me. I witnessed the sealing of a dear friend and my heart was softened by the power of that ordinance. As a missionary, I learned more about the temples, why we have them and what they mean to me personally. I feel the closest I ever have to my Father in Heaven when I enter the temple. 

Coming home from my mission, my commitment to the temple was stronger than ever and soon I was going every week faithfully. I gained insight and revelation there, as well as peace and assurance that I was on the right path.

When Ed came home from his mission, I have no doubt that the temple was a catalyst to our relationship growing strong. In fact, it was after we had gone together for the first time that he asked me to be his girlfriend again. He told me that seeing me in the temple helped to soften his heart against the hurt of the past.

A couple of Saturdays in the last couple of months, Ed and I have gone to the temple to string lights around the temple grounds for Christmas. Serving together at the house of the Savior unites us and makes me want to be there with Edward more often.

Now I am 24 years old and in just a few weeks I will enter that hallowed place and kneel across a sacred altar to unite myself to Edward eternally. It's taken just about 20 years and whole lot of unexpected turns to get to the temple I saw as a young girl, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know that even now I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and missteps in my travel down life's bumpy roads. I was much more pure and worthy of the temple at 5 years old than I am now, but I know the power of repentance is real and it cleanses me. 

I have a burning testimony of the temple, and even though I still struggle with fear, I know that eternal marriages are real and can be the greatest source of joy in this life and the life to come.

I am humbled, grateful and so happy that the day has finally come for me to wear white and "marry in God's temple for eternity."

"Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has shown me how I can.
While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully, so I can marry in God's temple for eternity."

The cold, hard truth...and that's ok.

For whatever reason, I've been asking Ed about his ex a lot lately. Without going into too much detail, I'll give you some very basic background.

Ed dated a girl named Belle (ok, so I changed her real name) when he was barely in High School and she was still in Middle School. They dated for 4 years and even lived together when Belle's family moved away from the area and she wanted to finish High School here in San Diego. She was his first everything. She was his first love and I'm sure, like all of us, that means that Ed gave a very real part of himself to her...you know, the un-jaded, untouched, perfectly trusting part. I don't know if there is a word for it, other than saying he gave her a perfectly unbroken heart.

Around year four, he came home from work one day and all her stuff was gone. A note, a phone call, fill in the rest, but it was over before he could really understand why. He was hurt in ways that I'm sure we can all relate to. First heartbreak, first betrayal, like I said, she was his first everything.

He was telling me all of this in an intimate moment recently, and I listened carefully to his heart and his hurt. It's still there in his eyes. And as much as that could bother me, it doesn't. I've been there too. I think we all have. For those who haven't: "LUCKYYYY". (Napoleon Dynamite voice...if that wasn't clear.)

I remember giving my heart away the first time. I remember being fearless and open and vulnerable. I remember how desperately I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. There was that "blind" feeling they say that love should have. There was the notion that nothing that could really happen to us and our love. There was surrender.

Then, just like with Ed, there was that moment when it crumbled. Lies were revealed and trust was broken. The person I had given my unbroken heart to had taken my precious offering and crushed it.

Just like Ed, the pain lasted. It seemed as though my life was over. I know, sounds dramatic, right? But that is how love is. It takes you and rearranges your very last ounce of logic.
Unlike Edward, I went back to this person once, twice, three and four times. It wasn't shame on you, then shame on me...it was just shame all around. No one could let go, and no one could hang on. It was a mess. Finally, after four years (weird, right?) of on again, off again, we were done.

Luckily, like Ed, and like many of you, time turned out to be the best doctor for my wounds. The Savior, friends and time healed my heart and I was able to look ahead to loving again.

When love did finally come again...well, it was different.
For Ed and I, this meant working through things that were a lot harder than we ever thought they would be. For me, this meant undoing the commitment issues I had. For him, it meant opening his heart up and expressing feelings he had kept locked away. For me, a huge trial was trusting him. For both of us, it's been so frustrating to deal with wounds that we didn't inflict. I know it's tested our patience and driven us close to giving up sometimes.

I'm grateful, at the end of the day, that we do LOVE each other. That much is true, no matter what pain love has caused in the past. Love is our motivation, and I happen to have a testimony that love is the ONLY eternal motivator.

So I guess this post is about being jaded. How it's ok. It's never fun, and to be honest, it can ruin you if you let it. For me though, I understand now, that without those wounds I wouldn't have learned the lessons that have made me so much stronger. I've been able to ADD to my relationship with Ed, with God, with my Savior, because of my struggles.

My heart isn't unbroken anymore. That isn't Ed's fault, but I'm sure glad he loves me and my broken heart just the way we are.

--

A $20 bill can be beat up, crumpled and torn, but it's still worth $20.

Heavenly Father asks for a "broken heart and contrite spirit" as our offering to Him in return for the offering of His son and his atonement.

"

Milk, Meat and Miracles

I had the list Rachel had given me out on my purse. I always situate things just right when I'm at Costco. Purse in the child seat, phone to Pandora, one earbud in and the list sits on top. Bam, we're ready to make magic happen.
I was looking over the list at what I needed to buy and mapping out the store in my head so I'd know how to stage my attack. The last few times I had started with bread in the back right corner, thinking I'd make a big "U" shape and end at the registers. Genius, I know. This time, however, I remembered that the Milk gets rather sweaty by the time I've carried it from the back to the front of the store, so I thought I'd try and come up with a different approach. On the list, Rachel had added that I buy some beef for the dinners she'd be making that night. Now, Meat is right next to the Dairy, so I decided I wanted to get those things last.
Just as I made that decision, a funny little phrase popped into my mind: "Milk before Meat". I laughed, but then my thoughts kept rolling. I'd say this little phrase all the time as a missionary, because we'd often get asked deep doctrinal questions by non-members right off the bat. Most of those people understood that just like a child, we must drink milk before we eat meat. (As a side-note, I'd also use the example of learning multiplication before trigonometry. Aren't I clever?) Any thoughts about the mission get me excited and the spirit worked on my thoughts as I started shopping. I think it helped that I listened to my Mindy Gledhill Station on Pandora (Shout out! She's my fave!).
I started to think about how both the Milk and the Meat needed to be cooled or else they'd spoil. I again, related this to sweet gospel truths. Even though the Milk is the basics, it is just as fragile and requires just as much care as the Meat. We must know such simple things as "I am a Child of God" before we can know how we will one day become like Him. We must cherish and nurture those fundamentals, if we really want to grasp the deeper and more profound truths. These thoughts left me feeling quite wonderful as I sauntered through Costco. I started looking at people just a bit differently, having a bit more patience, and smiling more. It's amazing how the spirit makes us so much better than we are.
In the midst of this calm, I heard my music stop and my phone rang. It was Travis. I answered it. Everything else after this is a blur.
He asked if I had his keys, told me to leave Costco and meet him at his car. Or was the oil in his car? Consecrated oil? Why did he need it? Then I heard him cry as he said, "Kaleb fell...he's being life-flighted right now...". We hung up and my heart sank. The first thought in my mind was, "not Kaleb, Father."
I ran...hard...I basically shouted at the register attendant and told him what I knew and that I needed to leave my cart there. He asked if I wanted it put in one of the freezers. I had already grabbed the Milk; "Yes!" I still felt like I was shouting, but it was all I could do. I thanked him and took off in another run. At the front of the store, I was hazy as to what was needed of me. Should I drive home to the house and bring Travis the oil? Should I wait? Should I call him? I jumped in the car and started it. If anything, I could meet them halfway or something. I called him, no answer. I called again...he was there at Costco. We found each other in our cars, but when I looked at the keys, there was no oil and so he and Rachel left.
So there I was...in the parking lot...in a running car....at Costco...with a cart nearly full inside the store...and my poor heart breaking (and hurting from the running) with no idea what was going on.
Now, many of you know, I am no stranger to chaos and loss. Many times I've had to react to emergencies and deal with the pain of injury or death, but just like each time before, this time was unique.
My thoughts turned to Kaleb. Just so you all know, Kaleb is a spot of sunshine. I think he is everyone's favorite. He has piercing blue eyes and smile that could just melt anyone, even a hardened criminal, instantly. I have the honor of watching him once a week when his mom teaches a class and we have a blast! I also watched him for a week when Ed and I watched the four youngest kids about a month ago. Kaleb is just an angel. He seriously makes me so happy, no matter what is happening in my life.
Just that very morning before I left for Costco, Kaleb had ran from his dad's office with a huge grin, right into my arms. I had gotten him some crackers from the pantry. All was well. Now, as I sat in Travis' Range Rover in the parking lot, I had no idea if I'd ever see Kaleb again...or if I did see him, if he'd remember me, or be able to run.
Overwhelmed, and having done all that I needed to in the heat of the moment, I broke down. I finally got enough of a hold on myself to call Ed. I asked if he'd pray with me, and he did. He said that I could call as needed, since he knows how much I adore Kaleb. After much prayer, my pleas finally changed from anything miraculous happening, to "Thy will be done", which I must say brought a lot more peace.
Eventually, I made my way back into Costco. I was shaking for quite a while, but I was able to finish and pay and focus on that.
The rest of the day left me in question. I only got one real update in the afternoon from Travis. Kaleb hadn't broken his neck and he was in a CT Scan. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go that night, but I needed to deposit checks for Travis, so I left around 4pm.
That night, at about 8:30, I texted Travis and found out that a miracle HAD in fact, happened. Kaleb had woken up, moved around, ate a popsicle and was even singing! As I texted, Travis said that Kaleb was running right in front of him. We gushed about the goodness of God and I made sure to say a prayer of gratitude.
For me, this was truly a miracle. I found out later that Kaleb had fallen approximately 15 feet from the jungle gym in the backyard. He had landed right on his head and then he didn't move, cry, or anything. It was only after the priesthood blessing he was given, that he began to move. Naysayers might chime in about how kids are more pliable  which I'm sure was a factor. Or how the ground was fairly wet, and helped to break the fall, which is true. But I believe in miracles.
I watched Kaleb the next morning and there is not one scratch on his body, nor a bump on his head. Miracle.
This is not the end of the miracles though...that next day when Kaleb was down for his nap, a bunch of his cousins and kids gathered in the living room. I'd imagine there were boys from 8-14 in there and few girls too. They asked if Kaleb was ok, to which one of his brothers answered yes. Then the stories began of how some kids saw the helicopter from their classrooms and others heard it was a kid from Ivy Gate getting taken to the hospital. When Kaleb's brother admitted to crying, the other boys each said that they also cried when they heard it was Kaleb. There was no shame in this. They shared how they prayed individually and with their families. They also testified, in their own way, that what happened was truly a miracle. To me, a bunch of young people, sitting around, talking about how God hears their prayers and miracles still happen...well, that's miracle enough right there.

A blogger revived.

2 years and 7 months since I left for Portland, Oregon.

4 years and 7 months since I first met Edward.

5 years and 10 months since my father died.

6 years and 3 months since I graduated high school.

1 year and 1 months since I returned home from Portland, Oregon.

3 months until life changes again...

---

I don't know why it's taken me a while to write here. I've come to this very posting page on this very blog and had some things written that never were published...well, in all honesty, never finished.

I think I forgot just how much I have to offer. I say that with no intent to boast. I just think I forgot what good blogs can really do.

I came across a blog that was pinned on Pinterest recently that has changed the way I think about my future as a wife and mother. The woman who writes it doesn't know me, but her experiences give me strength and insight.

Isn't that why I bear my testimony in church? Isn't that why I talk to Ed each night about our days. Isn't that why God put me on earth with other people?

I also just re-read an old "note" I had posted on facebook. It was about losing my Father and it turned out to be helpful to some of my friends. I'm grateful for the experiences I've been given to learn and grow from, and with that, I renew my commitment to blog. If anything, this is my way of publicly thanking my Heavenly Father for His hand in my life.

Here we go! :)

my pink and green suitcases are filled to the brim

and i'm leaving soon for the biggest adventure of my 21 years...WOOHOO!

see you in 18 months!

<3

naked finger days

I don't know why, or what makes me think this way, but I've felt sort of lost as of late.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm at a bit of a crossroads...28 days before I surrender my own life to be a full time representative of the Lord and His church.
It's more than that though, it's different.
I feel like who I am has changed and I don't really know what I am anymore.
I always come back to the things I know when I'm in a mood like this..
I am a child of God. I am someone's best friend, someone's favorite sister and a future missionary.
I guess what I don't know is if I am the funny girl, or the one who everyone thinks is smart...if I'm the one people don't notice, or the one who people think is immature.
I think this sense of confusion is spawning from insecurity, which luckily is a lot more in check for me than it used to be.
I don't want to worry about what other people think so much, and most times I don't, but right now, it's the closest thing I have to explain my lack of...definition.
I know it's a "thing" that missionaries go through AFTER the mission...they just had such purpose for so long, and then they don't know what to do with themselves. Take that badge away and it's like they don't know their own name anymore.
I'm sure I might experience a bit of that, but I am SO blessed to be really confident in my life after a mission. I know where I'll live, where I'll work and who I'll love.
So what IS the issue? Well poo, I couldn't tell you.
--
2009 IS OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Stayed single almost the whole year?
nope. in fact, this is one of the first years i was only single for 6 days :)

Were you involved in something you'll never forget?
heck yes. so many moments.

Dyed your hair?
only once...another record!

Came close to losing your life?
uhm--maybe if you count the wisdom teeth...

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
every year--yes!

2009: FRIENDS & ENEMIES

Did you meet any new friends this year?
I'll never forget you--McCann's and Dave and Megan, etc.

Did you hate anyone?
nah. hate is nasty.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
I always regret not being a better friend...it's a hard job.

2009: YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
yes :) thank you lyssa!

Did you have a party?
kinda...it was a going away party right before my birthday.

Did you get what you wanted?
I got one step closer to a mission and way closer to my family--so yes.

2009: ALL ABOUT YOU

Did you change at all this year?
I think in subtle ways, yes.

Did you change your style?
Yea, kinda.

Were you in school?
nope. not once-another first since i was 3!

Did you go on any vacations ?
not really.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
sure thing...always room to grow.

2009: WRAP UP

Was 2009 a good year?
uhm, i'm gonna go with YES.

Do you think 2010 will top 2009?
In some ways, heck yes, and in others, it can't.

IN THE YEAR 2009 I CONFESS THAT I....

Had your heart broken?
a little, but it was really overflowing most of the year!

Did something you regret?
uhm, i hurt some people and i'm not proud of that.

Ran a mile?
yes.

Visited a foreign country?
haha, NO

IN 2009 I.....

Disappointed someone close?
yea...

Pretended to be happy?
ed gets mad cause im really good at this :/

Kept your new years resolution?
i don't think i made one, nor do i really care for them.

Forgot your new years resolution?
haha, more likely

Changed your outlook on life?
constantly happening.

Learned something new about yourself?
yes.

Tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it?
yep.

Made a change in your life?
made a few.

Cried over the silliest things?
i always do.

Had friends who were drifting away from you?
well, it's a natural cycle of life and friends, so yes.

Spent most of your money on food?
yes, actually.

Liked more than 5 people at the same time?
nope, not this year ;)
--

well that was fun and pointless...and one with life we go...
Happy New Year!

A, B, C's of Jeni!

A - Age: 21.5
B - Bed size: I think it's a full? (It's currently being loaned to me)
C - Chore you hate: DISHES!
D - Dog's name: The house dog is Charlie (Charles Barkley as I like to call him)
E - Essential start your day item: hmm, toothbrush?
F - Favorite color: yellow and bright purple!
G - Gold or Silver: both are ok.
H - Height: 5'4
I - I am: happy.
J - Job: Marketing Manager/Personal Assistant/Customer Service @ Ideal Plumbing
K - Kids: I want 8!
L - Living arrangements: At the Teemsma's...they've adopted me.
M - Mom's name: Connie Eileen
N - Nicknames: Jen Jen
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Kowasaki Disease
P - Pet Peeve: Road rage in any form.
Q - Quote from a movie: "the world moves for love." -the village
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: 1 younger brother & 1 step-sister
T - Time you wake up: haha, it's always different, usually before 8am.
U- Underwear: G's-the very best.
V - Vegetable you dislike: Peas.
W - Ways you run late: uhm, anything really. I'm always late.
X - X-rays you've had: Ankle and Teeth.
Y - Yummy food you make: stuffed chicken
Z - Zoo favorite: giraffes <3

The Call

There was once a Backstreet Boys song called "The Call". Dunno why I just thought of that...whatever.

So I'm going to the Oregon Portland Mission, or as it's missionaries call it "OPM". haha.

I'm super excited. I leave Feb. 3rd, and I'm just really pumped to be serving the Lord in this capacity.
I bought luggage on sale at Macy's last night, and I've been slowly purchasing other things I need as to not put myself in the poor house.
I am going through the temple on the day after Thanksgiving, so that's been on my mind a lot.
I went and bought myself temple attire as well as one set of garments for the first time through.
I'm so excited for that as well. My Stake President said that going through the temple is the more important thing right now, and I know he's right.

Last night was Janae's bachelorette party. Her and Bob are getting married today, which is rad.
Makes me wanna marry Ed so much! He is amazing.
I know that day will come when it needs to.
Anyhow, for the party we got our nails done and then went to Horton Plaza downtown and looked in some fun stores and then got Ghiradelli's...mmm.
Janae slept over here last night, so it was fun to be with her the night before all the action!

Well that's all for now.
<3

here it goes

i was wearing the skirt my mom gave me from back in the '80's. houndstooth. black and white. perfection.
i walked into the clerk's office and leaned over to where the bishop was signing in to the missionary reccomendation center...
and there is was. my name. under the "mission call sent" column. october 23rd. the friday after they assigned me, it was in the mail. my heart did a back hand spring. my smile was seen from miles away. my excitment oozed from my fingers as they balled into fists of victory!
i'm leaving soon, and i don't know where i'm going...but i will.
oh, i will.

"didn't i see you, when you thought you'd never stand out?"

my 6th grade yearbook picture

I was making a left turn onto a street I've known my whole life. You dip into a ditch and then right back up where the rest of the world sits happily. As I made my left, I almost didn't see a young girl walking into the ditch. She looked right into my eyes as I swerved to avoid her, and I recognized her glare. It was an eerie feeling. I know I must have gone to school with this girl, but I don't remember her name. I thought about her gaze as I made a right turn up the street to my house. Who is she? Why have I felt her look at me that way before? Have I passed her a million times without seeing her? Is she someone who has been invisible her whole life? I remember when I was invisible. When I was the outcast, the loser and the punching bag for every sixth grader I knew. It was a rough time in my life, but in my High School years I gained a lot of respect and attention and eventually even became the Homecoming Queen. How then, did I not see this girl, if I once was in her place? I'm not saying I ever made fun of her, or even did anything to wrong her, but I didn't SEE her.
I was recently payed a very nice compliment by someone I hold in the highest of respects. They said I was the person they could always count on to say hello to people and introduce myself and get to know them, make people feel seen. I can't help but think that the statement is only true for my life in San Diego, but false for the life I led in DHS. Now that I'm back here, it's hard not to think of who I've been, and how I don't really know if she was everything I am now. Of course I've grown, and I know I've changed...I just gotta ask myself, if it's always been in me...why didn't I see that girl? How can I try harder to see who the Lord needs me to see?
I'll be going on a mission soon, and my hope is that I will see the people who feel the most unseen. I hope the Lord will use my willing heart to reach out to the one's who need to know the Lord sees them. I know that's what got me through middle school. If I see that girl again, I'm gonna stop and ask her name...maybe even ask her to hang out sometime, or give her a pass along card ;)

you hold your head up to the sky and say, what kind of blue are you?

the thing about those bead necklaces is that they were so "me".

It was summer of 2007 and my mom, joe and arletta had come out for my birthday.
Alright, for Arletta's too, which happens to be the day before mine.
So we decided to go the the Del Mar Fair.
We'd pet some smelly farm animals and tasted some interesting treats.
Then we headed towards some vendors, and that's where I saw them.
Round, colorful, and plenty.
Bead necklaces.
They weren't expensive, I think 3 for 5$ or less.
But I wasn't going to spend money on jewelry.
I never end up wearing jewelry, cause I'm allergic to metal, and I just don't take the time...
I was browsing through some other earings and things when my sister, Arletta, runs up to me with a huge grin and a black bag in her hand.
The sweetest gift of that summer...one of each color...bead necklaces.

I'm leaving on a mission soon, and as I packed my things, I thought...no way you're going to risk losing these, nor are you probably allowed to wear such...expressive jewelry.
So I packed them up and sent them home.
It's been almost 3 months now, and I'm not on a mission...
and I'm starting to miss my necklaces.

Ed made a comment about them.
How it was a happy memory or quirk he liked about me...
but that I don't wear them anymore.

How do we lose our identity when we lose plastic?

A Cruise, A Crush, and A Concert

Saturday was full.
Went on a cruise of San Diego bay.
It was relaxing and nice.
The company of beautiful women, and a view to match.

Then Ed and I drove up to LA to see Nicole's recital.
So fun.
She is an incredible pianist.
Went to dinner afterwards.
It was nice talking with people.

Ed and I went to Wal*Mart to get mingles stuff after that, as to not break the sabbath.
My car did good on the drive.
Thanks to Ed for getting my oil changed while I was on the cruise.

There's lots more going on, but that's the quick update.
More later for sure :)

thank you for the sun

listening to church music has always been a favorite pastime of mine.
even on a weekday, there is just a wonderful feeling in it.
it centers me.

i'm trying to be more grateful.
i have so much to thank the Lord for, and yet I find myself falling into the traps satan has layed out for me...
to focus on the hard things, the "bad" things.
but in reality, there is no hard or bad thing...in the end, they are all for my growth, for my own good.

there is a song that i love...
when in the midst of hard times, we have not opened out eyes enough to see that the Lord is embracing us.
he is there, holding us through those moments...and sometimes we have our eyes clenched shut, so afraid to see what is really happening.
we are learning.
we are being refined.

my friend Roberta calls this life "school".
she says, "and Christ has already paid the price for my education."
how true.

i'm anxious to serve.
the closer it gets, i feel the flames of missionary work growing inside of me.
i already want to share it with everyone here in San Diego, and i surely cannot wait to get that call from the Lord telling me where i will spread his word full time!!!

it is my responsibility as a saint, to share this with my brothers and sisters.
we are preparing the earth for the second coming of Christ, and how better than to invite the masses to enter at the gate?
it thrills me to think that i will soon be wearing His name, knocking on doors, finding the ones that are ready to hear of Him.

i remember when ed joined the church...
there was no greater joy, just like it promises in the scriptures, than to see him come into the fold.
i want that loving feeling again, for every child of God.
i smiled so huge whenever ed would make progress.
when he recieved the priesthood, or passed the sacrament...
i was grinning like a fool.
how lucky am i!?
that he will one day be my husband, and i got to be a witness to his conversion?
the Lord is amazing.

my legs are shaking with anticipation.
i know it won't be for a few months...but i am thrilled.
i am anxious, ready to stand, ready to go and do as the Lord has commanded...
ready to focus on the positive things in my life, and not let them hinder me.
i am being prepared.

thank you.

papers

i stayed up all night and finished my mission papers.
a couple doctor appointments and i'm good as gone.
wow.

moving in with shelly.
the kind of change i need.

quitting my old job.
more time for...life.

it's one am and i should be asleep.
but i can't seem to slow my mind enough...
life is just happening and i don't know how to make it slow a bit.

i know ed's going to propose...
i feel it.
i sense it.
and he's really bad at covering that sort of thing up.

here i am.
so sure.
so ready.
why is my first instinct to fight it?

i don't wanna fight.
i want this.

a mission.
a husband.
a family.

time to settle down...
to settle into the rest of my life.

wow.

wishing, hoping, thinking, praying

i've always wanted to be far more eloquent than i really am.
it's like, if i could paint a picture of what my head does, with words...man, that's be some good stuff.

i guess that's one of this lifes funny little restrictions.
we have these little things called words, and we have to try and describe with them, and use them, give them weight, and never misspell...or use; the! wrong, punctuation.

nothing for me has ever worked that way though.
it isn't what i feel, and it sure isn't what i want to say half the time.
i think that just might be where music kicks in and takes over.
for the things we couldn't say in words.

you can follow that thought wherever, my mind is taking me elsewhere...

edward.
he makes me...me.

i don't know how to say that without being anything but cliche, but i don't care.

i'm a very outgoing person, some may say even a bit dramatic.
i like attention, and i'm not going to be shy about that, haha.
but there is something about who i am with edward, that is so different than all of that...
i am more reserved, and a lot more laid back.
i think a lot before opening my mouth, and i don't just throw thing sout hoping to get a laugh, or reaction...
i'm just me, and i've never felt so comfortable.

it's funny how many "me's" i feel there are.
there is the me that loves to watch.
the silent observer, just people watching the days away.
there is the diva in me.
i won't use public bathrooms, and i like to be admired and watched.
there is the me that loves with everything she's got.
showering the ones around me with gifts, or notes, or texts...whatever i can do to make them feel it.
there is also, on the converse, the me that is rather lazy.
i'd rather not go out of my way for anyone or anything sometimes.
i don't need to even go further, i could get far too carried away...

point is, edward has made me realize, all of these are part of me, and that the person i am and the person i want to be are very close.
i am Jeni, and i'm doing well.
no need to impress or try to hard.
i'm very content.
and if all of that hasn't been in about a million love song...
guh.
i hate being cliche...
guess that's another me ;)

suitcase

i was watching the video of kamden singing her suitcase song.
it's a beautiful song.

there's a line that talks about how her old name and number were on the tag.
i'm in awe of things like that.
how life makes these swift changes, and we are left to sit and ponder them in a small moment of reflection.

i feel like that's been a lot of my life.
i tend to reflect a lot, but i think it's cause a lot has happened in my short 20 years.


suitcase.
probably the one she took on her mission.

i have far too many clothes.
i'm going on a mission.

sister perez.
hermana perez?

and then, sister waahila.
as if to close out my single life with a bang.
a mission.

i'm ready.
i'm anxious.
i'm terrified.
i'm excited.

a suitcase full of clothes, full of nothing too valuable.
just me and my testimony and my first last name.

yea.

&& i'll follow if you know the way

there is something quite wonderful about life in this moment.
the Lord is once again in control of things, and i'm quite alright with it...
i've always been far too much of a control freak.

"daughter- i haven't let you down. unlike a star i'm not so easily blocked out. and though the road's long and perils still await, know that i'm pleased. i'm pleased.
cause it's a long road to get back to me. oh please follow and you'll know the way.
and if the stars explode and crash around your face, know that i'm here, and you will be so safe here.
you'll be safe here in my safe place."

maybe i need to be afraid, to let go completely...to find safety.



-edward and i are taking a step back into "dating". we are both putting in papers for the mish, so a full on relationship is on hold.

-i've gotten down to 189. not a huge drop, considering it's only 4 pounds in a month, but it's not up, which is good!

-the mission preparation is in full swing, and i'm just STOKED. there is no other word.

-kim is getting married next month, and nicole just got back from germany...
this means one thing: the sleepover to trump all sleepovers!

-i am so full of love and gratitude for my life right now.
i have the most amazing friends, and i don't know what i did to deserve them...but man...amazing.

i was able to share the new and improved mormon.com with my boss the other night.
i really like aaron and i'm hoping he finds the truth he's seeking.
the gospel is the most amazing gift we can give people, and i'm just so full of joy :)

also...edward and i starting a "21 day" project to come closer to Christ.
amazing.

<3